I've seen 2 much

I've held a person in my arms as they died and I've looked a person in there eye's as they blinked the last time. I've had my hands on a friends chest as his lungs let out there last breath. I've seen death more than I care to have. I've wondered lost on a road with another persons blood on my hands. I've lost loved ones to the streets, to bad health and even worst luck. I've had to experience losing a child I never got know. My life has had it's up's and downs. My heart has to beat faster, and bleed slower. I've gone through more than most put together and still I stand. I stand ready to face it all again. Wanting a better tomorrow but ready to brave more of the same. Don't question why I drink, or why I laugh and not cry. My tears flow but they are not to be shared. I'am a rock, so I stand pat. I've seen good, I've seen bad. And I'll see more. I'll stand to see another day but with my eye's closed thus time because I've seen 2 much.

the moment

the funny thing about love is you never know were your going to find, or worse, when your going to lose it. But people miss the fact that if u get your heartbroken once, u might be lucky enough to have it broken again. In short love life each moment u live it, forever is right now and Forever is in your heart.

A Change In MY Life

As we approach the end of year, I look back over the 12 months and see that this was a huge year for me. I saw a growth in myself that I never thought would happen. For the first time in my life I went through real Life changing events, and judging by the way I handled them I know that I'm mentally stronger right now in my life then I have ever been and ever thought I could be. I've had my heart, my mind, my soul and my faith tested this year. Truly pushed to my limits. And a lot of these event were not bad things, a few of them were joyous occasions. They said you don't become a man until you look your fears in the eye and face them. I've faced my fears, my fear of becoming a man. Finally taking responsibility for all that's going on in my world. And taking control of my destiny to pave my own road for my future. All these years I did a pretty good job of hiding behind my childish demeanor and avoiding growing up but this year I was force to handle my business. I thought I was the man before but I know that I'm a man now. They saw that only love can kill the demon. It turns out I was looking for love in all the wrong places. As i was looking for a heart to share with mine, I over looked my own heart and when i finally looked into my heart, I found enough love to help me carry on for 100 more years. I amazed myself doing half of the things I did. from the outside it might not look like much, but from were I sit the view I see is my 40 acres and a mule.

The year started with heartache and ended with heartache. But before the Sunlight must come the rain. Before the joy must come the pain. A lot of the pain I went through opened the doors for me to enter my soul and it allowed me to access emotions I didn't know I could reach. It was as if ever hurt was turned into a blessing. Each month was it's own test to my mental toughness. I don't know if these test are over, but I think I'm scoring above average. Every event connected a piece of the puzzle to another piece to yet another piece. From getting custody of Chris leading up to the passing of my Mother, all of these event's played out as if they were scripted. They helped to mold the new and improved me. They changed me. So I figure I would share this with all of you because all of you were here for me through out this very trying year. Take these words as my thank you and know that I love all of you because you helped build this new me that feels he can take on anything in the years to come. Again thank you. and remember--- MLR (My Life Rocks) because My friends Love Me and I love them.

Things Change (o rdo they?)

Some wounds don't heal, the cut just gets deeper. Some band-aids aren't big enough to cover some wounds. When a heart breaks, it takes more than time to seal it. When a mind is corrupted by the devil it takes more than God to restore it. When I extend my words they will reach you. As the seasons go, emotions grow and change like the leafs from brown to green. As with the april showers that wash away March's pains and Summers heat, that warm cold hearts frozen my a hard winters heartbreak. The months go by fluid and swift as minds move like the earths rotation. Constant motion is the rhythm of life, but sometime the recored does skip a beat or the band misses a note, which transforms this sounds, that change these grounds, from a deep bass pound or a light chime sound, one way or another a beautiful song is found. In time we all will change, but that can never stop us from being who we truly are. Nothings ever as good at it seams or as bad as it looks. Most of the time its just what it is and hardly nothing more than that. When you think to hard, your more than likely going to over think your real problems and just create a new one. Live for the right now, and just the right now. We can think about the future when it gets here. and if something happens and it doesn't come, wont you feel better that you didn't waste time planing a future that you have no control in. The only thing in life that is guaranteed is the moment that just passed, so I chose to live for my memories.

HeartBroken (Will I Love Again?)

Ripped out of my chest, Shattered and thrown to the ground. Used, so selfish, Only in it for yourself. Every action carried out without a thought of the reaction of my heart. Done with out care and done with such malice. Ruining the soil where my feelings were planted, and then throwing salt and oil onto the soil so no new love can grow. I would ask a question, but the answer will never be enough. I can ask the question, But I would never understand the answer. The question, the question, the question. It kept me up many a nights. Looking and searching for answers. Only to find the answer that leads to more questions. The question, 3 little letters that make one small word, the leads to endless hours of thinking, endless days of unrest and a lifetime of pain. WHY? I had to ask it 100 times a day. WHY WHY WHY??? I If I could i would wish nothing but the worst to you, but I'm sure you'll feel the effects of these actions. I know you will. You broke me, my spirit, my soul, my faith,and my heart. These scars will never heal, and to be honest they never should. You had a good thing going, but between foolish youth, young mans pride and over thinking like an adult you took the best thing you ever had and through it away for nothing. Look in your hands now and see what you hold. Empty memories. Empty bed, and a Empty heart. Are you proud of yourself? Is this really what we wanted? If you could would you go back and change what you have done? How could you have been so stupid? As I look in the mirror and ask myself these questions over and over, and try to place the blame, I cry into my pillow with the sad conclusion that I can only be mad at my self for letting her go and Breaking my own Heart. HeartBroken

Real Life

U remember when life was just as simple as living and dying. But somewere along the line the whole process of living got in the wAy of it all. I wish we could go back to when times were much more simple. oh well, I guess we just build and adjust, react and adapt. But a boy can dream, or at least think out loud. As I sit her listening to Dido and look over this years I've throw together, I'm forced to look back over the people I've touched, for better or for worse. And I wonder if there thankful for all I've done for them or if there full of hate for the way I've treated them. It's pretty much a 50-50 split, a one to one ratio. I'm not going to sit here and take about change because we can't change the past. I'm not even going to sit here and say a bunch of sorrys, if you truly know me and love me, you have forgiven me a thousand times over. And you know I'm not big on that self pity shit. I'm me and you knew exactly what I was when I was just being natural. You know the way we are supposted to be. Yeah, I guess I'm pretty fucked up but let's be honest, if it wasn't for people like me, why would anybody want to live. The fact of the matter is that all of you need me in your life. I'm the stories you talk about over dinner. I'm the guy that u point at and judge when your with your friends. I'm the free spirit that deep down you all want to be just like. I show the level of confidence that you all wish u had. I'm the inter you that you want to put on display. The funny part is, I'm just a figment of you imiagination. As real as i am to me, I don't really exsit. Even now as you read this, there's no words on this screen. I'm just a thought that was in your head. And you love it because when you see this you feel free. More free than you could ever be hidining in your shells, hidining behind you so call lifes. You call what your doing living. Let's be honest, you would trade in your lifes in a minute and you all know it. We all would. It doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human. There's nothing wrong with these feelings. It's simple. You just want to go back to when all you had to worry about was living and dying. Don't worry, contuine to live in your fantasy world. I'll be here living the life you want to, heck someones got to do it.

If It Was That Easy

Life would be different if ibcould be as good place all of pieces were I wanted to. If I could take the pieces of Rock, mix it with some of Supernova, add in a pinch of the beautiful Monster and combine them with Chris I would be so complete. But lord knows I've tried and tried but I can't but all these pieces of me together to complete me. I am a difficult puzzle. Now matter how hard I try I just can't force the pieces into place. It's not that I don't know what I want, that's the simple part. The part that's rough is each of my persona's what to go about reaching the goal a different way. SuperNova wants to party his way there. 24/7 365. He knows nothing can stop him from getting what he wants so nothing stops him. He is my strength. Beautiful Monster thinks that just being him is enough to do it. He carrys him self in this you know I'm great so just say it way that's very hard to disagree with. He is my confidence. Here's were everything gets a little difficult. Here's were Rock comes into play. He's the brains of the operation. He comes up with all the plans, calls all the plays. He runs the show. I would have to say he's my spirit. And that leaves us with the Chris, he's the quiet one. The one that stays back In the shadows and waits for his voice to be heard. But he's also the most important part because he holds all of the pain and the hurt that seam to never hurt the other 3. Chris is most certainly the heart and soul. Every day the four of them are fighting tooth and nail in an all out war to see who's going to have it there way. This saddens me because I know Chris is lossing and lossing bad. Even though he us the strongest of the four, all the years of storing angusish is finally starting to take it's toll. He's on life support and can barely hang on. I really wish it was as easy as it sounds to just set a goal and do it. To put your feelings to the side and just get what you want. But how can it be easy when your only goal is to be happy but your to sad on the inside to ever be happy on the outside. I guess the fight goes on, and all we can do is cheer for the underdog. And I think it's working. I can see a little smile on his face from here.

Don't Be Scared At The Storm

A child looks up to his grandma, crying, afarid of the loud thunder, the bright lightning and the hard, pouring rain. Grandma looks down at the child, holds him close and gently rocks him in her arms. She whispers into his ear "baby it's going to be ok, it's just the lord doing his work". Her words bring comfort to his tiny body but like most children her words send his mind racing. If the lord is always with us, how come it's only loud days and the painful days we here of his actions. His grandmother goes on to explain that it's not as simple as people make it sound. In order to build a beautiful world, first he has to destroy what's in place now. The lighting and thunder are his construction ball and jackhammer. Tearing down the walls of pain. The rain is his garden hose, washing away the debry of broken dreams, broken hearts and shattered lifes. After the storm will come the sun and that's Gods vacant lot, a clean slate for you to start building a new tower of hope, a castle of your dreams. As his grandma holds him and he starts to fall asleep, him feeling safer and not afarid anymore. The rain starts to let up and the sun starts to shine, he can feel the lord smile down on his forhead. Of the storm he is no longer scared. Because he knows it's now time to build.

Deadbeat

If there's on thing I can't stand, it a person that can't take care of there responsabilty. No correction, I can't stand a person that doesn't take care of there responsabilty's. Why even go fourth with the initial effort if you know your to weak to carry the full task. I'm not going to beat around the bush here, I'm talking to you deadbeats out there, you know who you are and you know who your hurting. For the life of me I can't undrstand how one could be so cold and selfish that u would abandon your child and not even put forth an effort to even check in on them. I'll try not to sound bitter but it pisses me off to the core to see this happening. Some kids do get lucky and are let with a strong parent but some kids don't, and I feel for both sets of kids. It's unfair to the kids but the parents might have it worse. Do you know how hard it is to explain to you son why his mother is not around, why he can't pick up the phone and call her? To try and explain that it's not his fault? It's more difficult than anyother part of parenting because there is no book on that. I want to make this very clear, I love the fact that I'm with my son 24/7, if it was up to me I would have it no other way. But I know this is not fair to him. Do you really think you can take a year off of being a mother and think that he is going to forgive you and let you back into his world? Do you think I'm going to expose him to a person like you? Really? Really?? Not a chance in HELL!! If there's one thing in this world I hate is a coward and a Deadbeat parent is the worst form of coward. And the only thing lower than that is a mother that leaves her child. For the life of me I can't understand that. Out of respect for my boy, I don't foul talk you around, but if my worlds somehow reach you, know that we still say a pray for you and we hope you get your life straight but know that he and I will never ever be a part of it.

The Heart Betrays

In our lifes we come across many challenges and face many feelings. We come across friends and enemies, those that hide in plain sight and those that lay deep inside us. We spend most of our time trying to figure out motives of others, while plenty of times we over look our own emotions. Blinded by fear and overprotecting our ego's we fall into the trap of following our hearts. Putting it's bearing over our better knowledge of our minds. We get stuck in sandpit of pain, a quicksand pulling us further away from happiness. Drowning in dispare. Moving away from a surface of love. We are so easily swayed from what's right to the path of what's wrong, knowing that each step we take is only going to hurt us more in the long run. But still we walk. We put all our faith and trust in to our hearts but the heart betrays. It's our worst adversary. You know the old saying" the heart wants what the heart wants". But that's not always for the best. How many times has your heart sent you into a war you can't win, on to a battlefield with no protection just to have a bomb dropped on you. Too many times I bet, but I'm sure you'll still follow your heart the next time it deploys to a war zone. We can't fight it. The heart is our worst enemy but also our greatest comrad. But just be for warned, the heart betrays and in the end we have no one to blame but ourselves.